


Cigarette

by j__writes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, I Don't Even Know, Idiots in Love, M/M, Makeup, fight, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 20:51:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j__writes/pseuds/j__writes
Summary: His relationship with Magnus Bane had been nothing short of frustrating.Frustrating in the worst of ways. Frustrating in the best of ways.





	Cigarette

**Author's Note:**

> As promised, a really short and random Malec scene.
> 
> xoxo

His relationship with Magnus Bane had been nothing short of frustrating. 

Frustrating in the worst of ways. Frustrating in the best of ways. 

Since that first week, they had been consumed with each other in a way Alec has never experienced before, and perhaps never will again. They’re broken up now and life has gone back to normal. Back to the normal, boring, and predictable life he led before Magnus came along. Back to the version of himself that, Alec now realizes, is the worst version of himself. 

They’d met at a bar. Out of all the places in the world, they met in the one place Alec rarely frequents and a place he probably would not have been that night had it not been Jace’s birthday. They’d met in the most mundane way possible, had too much to drink, had gone home with each other, and spent that entire first week locked away in Alec’s apartment.

Their relationship lasted two years after that. The best two years of his life. Or maybe the worst years. 

Alec had been in relationships before, albeit short and without much depth, but what he had with Magnus felt different. And he supposes it was. He never fell in love with any of his past boyfriends, but Magnus, Alec had fallen in love with him. And he probably should have told him.

He doesn’t know if Magnus ever fell in love with him. He figures he didn’t considering how easy it had been for him to walk away at the end. 

The thing about Magnus Bane though: he is, undoubtedly, the love of Alec’s life. 

And he’s here. Wearing the same red button up shirt he wore that first night they met, standing at the other end of the bar, black fitted jeans hugging him perfectly; just with another man on his arm. Alec feels sick the more he stares and he knows he needs to look away. Magnus hasn’t spotted him yet and when he does, Alec doesn’t know what he will do. He doesn’t even know if Magnus has missed him in the same way Alec has; if he feels the same empty ache in his gut that Alec does. 

The man Magnus is with laughs at something Magnus says and Alec sips at his beer, no longer even pretending to listen to whatever it is Jace is discussing with his colleague, Raj. He wonders if Magnus is using the same innuendos he once used on him. If he whispers the same things in the man’s ear that used to make Alec blush. If he’s happy in his new life.

Alec’s about to excuse himself, sneak out the back and go home when he sees the man wrap his hand around the curve of Magnus’ bicep, and Magnus blushes at the touch. 

He fucking blushes. 

Alec throws back the rest of his beer and turns his attention back to Jace and Raj. They’re discussing something about their job, something Alec doesn’t know the first thing about but he nods along and pretends like he can’t hear the trill of Magnus’ laughter over the bar’s patrons. 

He can’t live like this. He can’t go on being in love with someone who so clearly isn’t in love with him anymore. If he ever was.

The sound of Magnus’ laughter carries over to him and Alec looks. He shouldn’t but he does and that’s when Magnus sees him. His smile drops instantly and so Alec looks away. He needs to do something, he doesn’t want Magnus to know that he’s still pining over him. Or maybe he does. No. He doesn’t. 

His head feels light and fuzzy from the beer but he can feel Magnus’ eyes on him and he has to do  _ something.  _

“Raj, I need to kiss you,” Alec blurts out, effectively quieting Jace and Raj’s conversation. 

Raj’s thick brows jump up to his hairline. “You what?” 

Alec sees the red of Magnus’ shirt out of the corner of his eye and it looks closer than before. 

“I’m going to kiss you and it’s not going to mean anything,” Alec says.

“Alec, what are you—” Jace stops and then sighs and Alec knows he must have spotted Magnus. “Don’t do this.”

“I have to move on, Jace and I don’t need him thinking that I’m stupidly waiting for him when he’s clearly moved on.”

“Or you could talk to him.”

Raj looks between the two of them. “I have a feeling this is about someone who is behind me and I probably shouldn’t turn to look.”

“Don’t!”

“No!” 

Raj puts his hands up, beer bottle dangling between his thumb and forefinger. “Got it. Not looking.”

“Come on, Raj, please,” Alec says and Jace rolls his eyes beside him.

“This is stupid. The worst idea you’ve ever had,” Jace mutters, drinking his beer. 

“You’re trying to make someone jealous?”

Alec tips his head side to side. “Kind of.”

“And you’re just going to kiss me. Once?”

“Once.”

“No homo?” Raj asks, smirking over his bottle of beer.

Alec forces himself to not roll his eyes. If he’s going to try to sell that he’s here with Raj, he can’t be looking so obviously annoyed. “This will be the most ‘no homo’ kiss I’ve ever had in my life.”

Raj smiles. “Sure, why not? Don’t slip any tongue though.”

“Obviously,” Alec grunts.

Jace scratches at his brow and shakes his head. “This is a piss poor idea.”

“Heard you the first time, Jace, thank you,” Alec quips. 

Raj finishes off the last of his beer. “I better not get punched for this,” he comments and there’s a nervous laughter behind his words as he rolls his shoulders back, planting his stance wider in preparation. 

“Incoming,” Jace utters below his breath, ducking his head down and sipping casually at his beer.

Alec can clearly see now that Magnus is closer, and the man is still with him. So Alec presses forward and kisses Raj. It’s a tight lipped, completely sealed kiss, so fraudulent he can barely feel it. Raj is holding his breath, putting nothing into the action. He plays the part well, so Alec rests his hand on Raj’s elbow and counts to four. 

When he pulls back, he immediately spots Magnus over Raj’s shoulder. Their eyes meet and Alec wants the earth to swallow him whole. Anything would be better than to see the disappointment that so clearly fills Magnus’ eyes. 

“Jace, cigarette.” Alec holds his hand out and feels the small stick hit the palm of his hand. 

“This is ridiculous. You don’t even smoke anymore.”

“Lighter.”

Jace hands over the lighter next and Alec pushes past them to leave the bar. Kissing Raj had been a mistake, he recognized that the second their lips touched but, like always, he doesn’t think clearly when Magnus is involved. 

He lights the cigarette and breathes it in. 

“Alexander,” a voice says from behind him, breathless, a voice Alec would know anywhere. 

Alec closes his eyes because he’s missed that so much. The way Magnus can say his name like it’s the only word on the entire planet that matters.

Alec lets the smoke out, opens his eyes, and turns to him. He’s hit at once with the pain of it all. It’s like pouring alcohol on a still fresh wound. 

“What are you doing?” 

Alec shrugs, tries to ignore the ache in his chest and presses the cigarette to his lips. “Smoking.”

“I can see that much,” Magnus cuts in, stepping in closer. “But why?”

“Why am I smoking?” Alec takes another drag.

“Why are you smoking? Why did you run away back there? Why did you kiss that man? Who is that man?” Magnus crosses his arms. “Why haven’t you called me? I have a lot of fucking questions, Alexander.”

“Does it matter? You made it perfectly clear you didn’t want me to call you.” Alec huffs out a short laugh and curves his mouth to the side to blow out the smoke. “You actually made it perfectly clear you wanted me out of your life when you moved to another fucking state! So why would I call you, Magnus?”

“Because.”

Alec pulls in more of the smoke and  waits for Magnus to elaborate.  _ Tell me you miss me,  _ he wants to beg. Magnus closes his mouth and drops his arms to his side. The smoke burns in Alec’s chest the longer he waits, so he  lets it out. Magnus has nothing else to add. “Great answer. Thanks for the clarification,” Alec sneers, all the mirth he’s been feeling over their break up filling his words.

“You’re so fucking stubborn, do you know that?” Magnus bites out. “You drive me crazy. I don’t know why I still—”

“Why you what?”

Magnus sighs. “Like you said, it doesn’t matter.”

Alec finishes off his cigarette and puts it out on the dumpster against the building. “Your date must be waiting on you. Does he know you’re out here?”

Magnus rolls his eyes and his jaw clenches, frustrated. “I ended my date. And yours?”

Alec presents the lighter between his fingers. “Smoke break.”

“You quit smoking,” Magnus states this as if he has to remind Alec of the weeks long withdrawals he went through to quit at the beginning of their relationship. 

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

Magnus’ face twists in a mixture of anger and confusion. “Why the hell would I be disappointed? Why are you acting like this? If you want to smoke, smoke your heart out, Alexander.”

Alec grinds his teeth together. He wishes Magnus would stop saying his name like that. He wishes Magnus would leave so he can go back to his miserable life and put this all past him. 

“You said you would never be with a smoker,” Alec says instead. 

_ So go. Leave and let me forget you,  _ Alec thinks. Torturing himself seems to be his M.O.

He’s being as rude as he possibly can. This is the most his body will allow him and he’s wearing thin, really fast. He doesn’t want to smoke anymore, he actually has no interest in it and that cigarette was more nauseating than it was soothing but he needed to do something that would put an end to this. He needed to be someone else for the night. Someone who won’t be crushed every time Magnus looks at him, someone he can forget after tonight, someone Magnus will hate so much he’ll actually leave. And then Alec can try again. And maybe this time he’ll actually move on.

Magnus rubs his fingers against his forehead. Something he always does when he’s tense and trying to remain calm. “I was with you, wasn’t I?”

“But I quit.”

Magnus shakes his head, minute and with a trace of sadness. “I never asked you to.”

“No, but I’m sure it makes a difference in your decision.”

Magnus shakes his head again, soft and simple. “It actually doesn’t."

Alec shrugs. “I can’t do this, Magnus. I don’t know what more you want from me.”

Magnus moves to stand directly in front of him now. He’s close enough that Alec can smell the earthy notes of his cologne. The scent that took months to wash away entirely because it seemed to seep into the very walls of Alec’s apartment. The scent that he missed like a part of himself the moment it was truly gone. 

“I never asked for anything more than your heart,” Magnus mutters.

“Which you had,” Alec says, quiet.

“Had?”

Alec swallows, throat tight and burning. “Have.”

Magnus’ face softens instantly and he steps in closer. And Alec’s heart cries and hurts.

“Why did you follow me out here, Magnus? Why make this harder than it already is?”

“Because I needed to speak to you,” Magnus says. “Because you kissed that man in there and I have never felt more angry in my entire life.”

Alec meets Magnus’ eyes. “You left, Magnus!”

“Yes, but I didn’t do it because I wanted to leave  _ you! _ ” The muscles in Magnus’ jaw flex when he takes in a settling breath. “You didn’t even ask me to stay. It’s like you wanted me to go.”

“Wanted you to go? Do you even hear yourself? How could you even think that?” Alec can feel himself moving closer to Magnus. Drawn in like he shouldn’t be. Not anymore. “You had the opportunity of a lifetime, did you really think I was going to ask you to give that up for me?”

Magnus tenses but he holds himself up. Admitting he’s wrong is not something he’s ever been good at. Alec doesn’t expect that to change even now. And maybe Alec should have asked, maybe the gesture alone would have been enough for them to have talked things out instead of fighting and never seeing each other again. 

“You can’t put this all on me, Alexander.”

“You’re right. I should have listened to your reasons as to why you wanted to move away, but I didn’t. I knew how important this program was for you and I knew you’d already decided to go. So I didn’t ask. It’s not like you would have stayed if I had. Face it, Magnus, you left because you wanted to.”

“That’s not true.” 

Alec gestures at them. “It obviously is. Look at us.” 

“You’ll be fine with or without me, right?” Magnus hisses. “Isn’t that what you said? How is that working out for you? Are you fine without me in your life?”

Alec grits his teeth together. “Obviously I’m not fucking fine, Magnus,” he says, gesturing at himself. He knows how awful he looks, days old stubble, hair in need of a wash and cut, plain black t-shirt because he can’t be bothered to wear the nicer outfits Magnus bought for him. One look at him and anyone can see that Alexander Lightwood is not fine. He hasn’t been since the minute Magnus stepped out of his life. “We all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry.”

“Well, I believed you,” Magnus says and he sounds utterly tired. “So I left. And I forced myself to let you go. I’m trying really hard to hate you.”

Alec nods. He knows the feeling. He’s been doing the same and failing at every turn. “I hope that works out for you, Magnus.” 

It would make things much easier because this talk isn’t changing a thing. Alec steps back and turns to leave. He doesn’t need to keep reliving this pain. Magnus must be in town for a reason but he’ll be gone again and Alec will just be left behind, having to pick up the fractured pieces of himself,  _ again _ .

“I wanted to ask you to go with me!” Magnus shouts from behind him. “But you’re so fucking stubborn you fought with me instead!”

Alec stops, his heart burning with every beat. He should walk away while he still can. But he can’t. He turns and walks back to where Magnus stands, hands clenched tightly at his sides. “But you didn’t ask me. Why?”

“Because I was afraid!” Magnus groans. “Can’t people be afraid, Alec? I was afraid you would say no because you love this city.”

“You’re an idiot,” Alec bites out. “I would have followed you to the middle of fucking nowhere if you’d asked me!”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“Because I’m in love with you!” Alec stops to take in a breath, to quiet himself, and then he shrugs because he can’t quiet this. He can’t quiet the way his heart beats for Magnus. “I’m in love with you, Magnus. I’ve always been in love with you.”

He can’t believe how many times he’s saying this. It’s like he wants to hurt.

“You never told me,” Magnus says so quietly and defeated, Alec almost misses it.

“Because I was afraid, Magnus. Can’t people be afraid?” He says, throwing Magnus’ words back at him. “So, yeah, if you would have asked me to move with you. My answer would have been yes. Even if you didn’t love me like I love you.”

“What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”

Alec waves a hand at Magnus. “You never told me you loved me either.”

“I’ve felt sick to my stomach ever since we broke up. I went on this date to try and distract myself while I was in town because I knew if I didn’t, I’d end up a mess at your door. Then I saw you and I realized I couldn’t leave without telling you how I feel. Then you kissed that man and I saw red. And then you were out here, smoking, it’s like I didn’t even recognize you anymore and I was afraid you had truly moved on.”

“Sadly, I’m still here, stuck in love with you.”

“You are the most stubborn, frustrating man I have ever met. Your communication skills are lacking and you love to make assumptions, but despite everything… ” Magnus expels a long breath and draws himself in to stand directly in front of Alec, sliding his fingers through Alec’s. “You’re the fucking love of my life, Alexander Lightwood.” 

Alec sighs at the words. And he grounds himself at the feeling of their hands holding each other again after so long. He closes his eyes and pulls Magnus in by their joined fingers. He bumps his forehead against Magnus’ and breathes in what he’s missed. The scent of warm cotton on a sunny day mixed with wet pine on the breeze fills his lungs. It’s warm and comforting. It’s a reminder of their time together. It’s Magnus. 

“Say it again, please,” Alec whispers - he pleads. 

Magnus moves in closer to angle his lips up, brushing them across Alec’s. “I love you, Alexander. I’m in love with you.”

Alec smiles and lets his free hand run up Magnus’ waist until it curves around the back of his neck, drawing him in until there’s no distance between them. Never again. “I’ve missed you,” he whispers and kisses at the corner of Magnus’ mouth. “I love you,” he whispers again, this time into the soft bow of Magnus’ lips. “I love you,” he says before taking in Magnus’ parted lips against his.  _ I love you,  _ his heart cries when Magnus’ body melts into him. “I love you,” he confesses again once they’ve parted. 

Magnus’ lips smile against his. “Be with me, Alec.”

Alec nods. “Wherever you are is where I want to be,” he confesses and kisses Magnus again. 

He meant what he said, he will move across the world if it means being with Magnus.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
